A Blog That's Not Really About Food

Friday night was our holiday party for work. Yes, it was after the holidays, so what? It was awesome. It was nice to get to see everyone at work relaxed. Normally, everyone is so straight-laced, I feel like I'm the only one there that's got a bit of a screw loose. It was also awesome seeing all the officers and v.p.s and such dancing. It was fun, seriously. 

What was no so fun was Saturday morning. And, no, asshat, it WASN'T because of a hangover. Saturday morning was minute eyelid operation surgically removing strange eyelid lump time. And yes, every one of those words was necessary. Basically, I had a chalazion that I needed to get removed and Saturday was the day (cue "The Final Countdown"). I'm at the eye surgeon's office, and I'm shitting (not literallly) because I have a horrible fear of surgical needles (looking at myself, I'm aware of how idiotic that sounds, but tattoos and piercings are something that I do of my own free will). I was really really nervous. So nervous that I was crying over a very teeny needle being stabbed in to my eyelid. Think about it, I highly doubt that you would be excited about that shit. Anyway, the doctor gets this shot in and flips my eyelid and clamps it open and shit, and gets this scalpel and he's all 'Tell me if you feel anythiinnnnnggggg attttt alllll' and goes for it. I'm all like "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!" because, whatever they injected in my face clearly was not working.

So doc is all "Oh? Did you feel that?" and gives me another injection. This one works like a charm. 

The doc: "OH THIS IS A GOOD ONE!!! Keep your other eye closed."

Me: "I don't even know what that's supposed to mean"

Doc: "Have you ever had a really really big zit that you popped?"
Me: "No."

Doc: "Oh, well it's like a big booger".

And about 40 seconds later, I was all done. The doctor bandaged up my face with some gauze pad thingys for the blood and a shit-ton of tape. There were two problems with this.

A) I had to drive home. Do you know, really, how HARD it is to drive with ONE EYE?!

B) Do you know how embarrassing it is to have to drive home and traffic is slow so a ton of cars see you looking like you have a feminine napkin taped to your face. It was NOT attractive.

So I get home, and I have to have these bandages on for 4 hours. I have a stigmatism, and they eye that was bandaged up is what I call 'my good eye'. So it wasn't like I could read or anything. We don't have cable here, so I was kind of exhausted from the prior night and decided I was going to take a nap. (cue the annoying neigbor kids upstairs doing something that was either bowling or fricking step aerobics or some shit) Napping was out of the question. Also, the painkiller started to wear off and I became disturbingly aware of the pain in my eye. It wasn't like some sort of searing nausea inducing pain; it was more like one of those throbbing pains that just lingers and then when you start to relax, it's like "HA! I fooled you!!" and starts hurting again. I pretty much laid on the couch for four hours pondering what my eye looked like and tried to figure out whether my eye was open...or closed. It was taped up. It was dark. It was swollen. And that was my only means of entertainment.

Then Luz got home and it was time to unbandage my face. There was so much tape that at one point I was like "Luz, this that I'm touching here, is this tape or is it my face, because I really can't tell?" because of course, I was still laying down on the couch, rather than getting up and going to the bathroom like any normal person would. 

My eye looks a lot better now. What sucks is that I can't wear makeup for a week and the eyelid is bruised. Strangely enough, it's only kind of bruised real dark along the lashline. I don't know what's worse, having people look at my eye and being like "is that bruised? what the heck happened?" or having people look at my eye and being like "why has that dingus only got purple eyeliner on one eye?" because that's what it looked like.

I made this for dinner: